Ralph Klein has gone and it is time to retire Ralph's World. Thanks to all of you who have supported this venture by contributing material and through your comments. It has been fun.

Should we get another blog underway? Let me know your thoughts by e-mailing me at johnnyslow@gmail.com.

John Slow
January 1, 2007

Sunday, February 29, 2004


This was submitted to Ralph's World by a budding Albertan author.

Gather ye round all youse leedle kidlets ‘cause your uncle Jazbow’s gonna tell another funny badtime story. This one’s ‘bout a rollie pollie emperor called Emperor Klein. Emperor ‘sjus another way of saying a great big King – yaa!

Well, this here Emperor Klein one day says to his first minister, Mar, hey Mar!, I need a new set of spiffy clothes to brighten up my wardrobe for all dos pipples oouh reelee luf me. (They talked funny in those days). You – Mar, go get me the most bestest weaver in all da kingdom who’ll make me a new set of clothes so I ‘ll be outstanding in my field.

So kidlets, minister Mar jumps on his horse, so to speak, and finds him a weaver of horses tails and such, and tells him to make a set of duds for Emperor Klein that will make him outstanding in his field, an this here weaver, name of Maz, says he’s got a super duper type of golden thread spun by spiders, but is now made from goat’s milk(1). The Wizard Suzuki taught him how to make this magic thread. It’s so fine that when you spin it from Wizard Suzuki’s machine it’s invisible, but when you weave it into fabric and make it into clothes, it gives off a golden glow, and besides this, it’s also bullet-proof.

Well, Minister Mar was overjoyed, so he asked the weaver Maz how much do you charge to make Emperor Klein a whole new set of duds from this magic thread? And weaver Maz said – well, I charge thirty pieces of silver(2), but there are some special conditions. Oh says minister Mar and what would they be?
First I need a special room with a very large lock on the door, and I must not be disturbed while I’m making these clothes, except to bring me food and drink which you must leave outside the door. Next, when I’m finished making the clothes, and Emperor Klein is praised by all his loving subjects, I must have a Grande castle to live in, and it must be built in the Wizard’s west field, and the castle will be called the Great West castle(3).

So kidlets, minister Mar said – all will be done as you have asked, and great preparations were begun. First, weaver Mar had to measure Emperor Klein , and that wasn’t very easy because he was so rollie pollie, and sometimes couldn’t stand up from his drinking the elixir of life. But very soon all measurements were completed and Wizard Suzuki’s machine was installed, and one hundred goats were brought into the largest room of Emperor Klein’s domed castle(4), and weaver Maz began spinning and weaving and cutting and sewing. Bye and bye the new set of clothes were ready. Then a team of cabinet makers(5) helped weaver Maz and minister Mar to dress Emperor Klein in his new set of clothes.

When they had finished they all stood back admiring Emperor Klein and the new set of clothes. They all oooed and aawhed saying aren’t the new clothes beautiful. and don’t they give off such a bright golden glow. Oh yes, to be sure said weaver Maz, and don’t forget they are bullet proof, so I think we should show Emperor Klein how strong this material is. OK says minister Mar, but how can we do that? Well, says weaver Maz, since we haven’t yet invented bullets I suggest that one of your guards should try to puncture his clothes with a spear. So minister Mar commanded his guardsman Medi to puncture Emperor Klein’s new clothes – but don’t hurt him. And because of the magic thread, and Emperor Klein’s protective ego, it was impossible for guardsman Medi to penetrate the new clothes. In fact the new suit was so strong that guardsman Medi’s spear was broken into a million pieces. (Just like our medicare will be).

Now came the day when Emperor Klein was to show his new clothes to all the people of his kingdom. All of the nine kings from the other nine kingdoms were lined up, as well as Minister Anne, and King Cretien of the Ottawa fiefdom. As this huge entourage with Emperor Klein out in front in his splendid new clothes, marching down the corridor between the Great West castle and Wizard Suzuki’s castle, everyone cheered and said, yes Emperor Klein is outstanding in his field. (hum a few bars of Peter and the wolf).

As the parade continued marching down the long corridor they finally came to a high slender pillar that marked the grave of the long dead, but dearly beloved king of the Saskwatch, Douglas of the tribe of Tommyhawks(6). Suddenly, there began a mighty swirling of wind, and a roar of sound, and to the amazement and horror of all the people and all the courtiers and Emperor Klein, a huge transparent figure emerged from the clouds. It was the ghost of Douglas of the tribe of Tommyhawks. The ghostly figure began to speak. It was like a roar of thunder, and the crowd trembled in fear. The ghost, rising in a cloud above their heads, said in a booming voice “people of this kingdom of the Great Albert(7), who lived long ago and far away, you must lift the veil from your eyes and see that your king, Emperor Klein, is wearing an invisible suit of clothes. Because you are good and honest people you will be able to look beyond these golden but invisible clothes to see into Emperor Klein’s heart. You will see there a man who only cares for himself and his cronies. You must rid yourself of this king if you are to live and prosper and be healthy. And thus, so they did. They saw into the heart of Emperor Klein and they knew that they must find a better king in order to stay healthy.


1.Nexia Biotechnology Inc of Montreal is developing a super strong thread, stronger than steel, from goat’s milk. which may be made into bullet proof vests.
2. Jesus was betrayed by 30 pieces of silver.
3. Don Mazinkowski author of the Mazinkowski Report is a member of the board of Great West Life Insurance that provides Health Care Insurance.
4. The “domed castle” is the Alberta Legislature Building.
5. Cabinet Makers - refers to members of the government’s cabinet.
6. Douglas of the Tommyhawks refers to Tommy Douglas, the father of healthcare in the province of Saskatchewan.
7. Great Albert – The province of Alberta named after Prince Albert, the consort of Queen Victoria of England.


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